I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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