you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
did i just pee glitter
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize