I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
