It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize