this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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