At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
