i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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