I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
