i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
