I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
