She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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