please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
