genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
