someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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