Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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