Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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