GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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