Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
