dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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