Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
