naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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