Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
