Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
