The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The uberlube is also flammable
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
