I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize