The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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