Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
