Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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