Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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