Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
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