I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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