Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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