You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize