the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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