Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
