It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
