omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
