The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
