over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize