fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
