I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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