Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
