You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
