apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
