Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
