So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
