I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The struggles of a small town man whore
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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