I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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