Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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