my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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