I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize