You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
