I wish I could punch you in the face.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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