Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
