My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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