Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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