dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
