I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
