Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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