ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize