He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
