literally had 100 drinks last night.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I touched a dick in church today
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
