He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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