I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
