i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize